10. "My Teacher Thinks I Was Smoking Weed In There"
You're at school, your lunch break just ended and you have to go to the bathroom before class. And this time, it can't fucking wait. Just a quick little shit is all you need, and you get there, sit on the thunderdome and.... fifteen minutes later, two men have entered the restroom and one has left. All the while, you're having some sort of problem. And sitting there, you're not too worried about the academic festivities because you're trying to squeeze a vicious little turd out of your tight, bleached ass asshole. But now you've come to the ceremonial wipe and you begin to think ahead more than ten seconds and realize you're going to have to walk into class late. And you are going to have to make the quiet interruption to an otherwise perfect class. And you know that when you walk in, the teacher will give you a very short, non-accusatory glance, but that in the moment, it'll seem like the teacher is blaming you for all the tiniest troubles of their day. And even though it probably isn't true, you just somehow have an absolute knowledge that they will think you were sluffing, or smoking weed, or skating or whatever delinquenty business they think kids do these days. Of course, you get to class and nothing happens, but you just feel like something is... in the minds of the spectators.
9. "I Was Just Singing On The Shitter And Now Somebody Knows"
Pretty self-explanatory. You're having a massive push, if you will, and you're having a bit of trouble and you've decided to ease yourself along by indulging in whatever sorry pleasure may have come to your mind, say Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny's Child or the Tetris theme song, particularly embarrassing in that situation, yet particularly fitting. When right at the moment when you're singing the most memorable part and are actually starting to really get into it, a member of your gender (hopefully) enters the restroom. You stop suddenly, and your sphincter and ass cheeks contract, imprisoning once again the avalanche you were about to release. And the worst part, it could be somebody you know. Quick! Fuckin', look at their shoes and see if it's a classmate or co-worker or family member! Somehow, though, the worst possible thing it could be is a stranger, and you don't know why. And even even worse than any of that is when they walk out, or, (hopefully) flush and start to wash their hands, and you realize they heard everything up until that point when they left!
8. "I Swear To God When I Sat Down There Wasn't A Spider There!"
I receive this honour about three times a week. I have lots of spiders that live in my house, because if I didn't, I'd have lots of earwigs and flies living in my house, but that's not to say that when I see a new kind of spider I'm not startled. Or even if it's not a new kind of spider, most people haven't been bit by a spider and don't know the extent of danger they are in. I don't mean we are all in terrible danger from the Kingdom Of Spiders starring William Shatner, but I mean that spiders when they walk up to you don't go "hey, here's my fucking abilities and I'll schedule you for the two o'clock". Spider movement is sporadic, random and, if your toilet faces your bath tub like mine does, they could come up from behind there any moment and pounce. You don't know their plans, the level of danger they present or anything else except that you're freaking out a little bit inside. And all of this because you don't want to clean up a mess later. Isn't your life more important?
7. "Is The Guy/Girl In The Adjacent Stall Trying To Converse?"
You're crapping. Like, this isn't a game here. No jokes about it, you are taking an enormous shit all over the surface of some harmless water, and then you hear the person in the stall next to you say something out loud. You didn't plan for this contingency! If only you had brought your toilet conversation flash cards! And what did he even say? Is he mumbling something to himself? His bathroom mantra? Mekka-lekka hi make-a huge-a crap? MEKKA-LEKKA HI MAKE-A CHUNKY CRAP???? Or did he ask you something personally? The most daunting question of all... do you answer back? This can also be the opposite of number 9. Somebody has started singing but doesn't care if the whole world hears them. And maybe you two continue your conversation at the sinks, or simply share a glance through the mirror. Either way, what the hell?
6. "This Public Restroom Is The Worst Thing I've Ever Encountered"
We've all been there. We've landed in some scenic county, or some ill-lit dive and have to use the restroom. You're almost glad to do it in a place with such atmosphere and you find directions to the restroom. Upon entering, you realize that you have made a big mistake. But you can't go back now. Whether the lights are flickering, nothing works, there's obscene graffiti everywhere (such as the sillouhette of an entire naked woman scratched onto the inside of the stall door... at fucking Wal-Mart of all places) the door is non-existent, there are insects in places, the floor is stickier than the clean-up after a basketball game with Flubber, somebody left their heroin spoon sitting on the toilet paper dispenser, (true story) or a combination of those things, you are surer than you've ever been in your whole entire life that you will never see something so horrible again. But just wait, you will. All the way until just a few weeks before you die, you will constantly be discovering the newest low in bathroom innovation.
5. "Is This Going To Be A Thing With You, Bunghole?"
Jesus Christ, it's been nothing but diarrhea and/or constipation for weeks now, and you need a break. So many times you've entered the sacred doors of a bathroom stall feeling like this was going to be a plain ol' dump when suddenly you realize either nothin's coming out, or this is the sloppiest, runniest dump that has ever been dumped. Is it the avocado sandwiches they serve at the coffee shop you frequent? Something in the water you've been drinking? Do you need something to relax those muscles or tighten that firm ass-clasp? You might pass out whether you take the pills or not, because you are pushing hard/barely trying, and... well, holy shit.
4. "Is It Supposed To Be That Colour? That Consistency? IS THAT POPCORN???"
Similar to number 5, only it sneaks up on you and you notice right away. You wipe. You stand. You zip up. You search for the flushy handle thingy majigger and instead discover a treasure trove of grassy green. Or Play-Doh orange. Or red. or black. You ask yourself what is wrong with your body. Do you need to see a doctor? Possibly. Maybe you're not digesting it properly. Nope, yep. That's popcorn, definitely a digestion problem. You see a doctor, take some minor-over-the-counter-two-buck-taste-the-rainbow-seal-away-forever-pills and sit down to take a brand new dump. You find you've dumped algae or indian clay into your white throne once again. See a real doctor, idiot.
3. "Play Time Is Over"
Ever taken so long on the toilet that you've decided to... count the fluorescent lights in the bathroom? Re-tie your shoes? Trace the little graffiti words on the wall with your retard finger? Or better yet, try to decipher their hieroglyphic secrets? Maybe you've pulled out your Iphone and began in an onslaught of Temple Runs or started building a vehicle for your bad piggies to pilot. Or maybe play Angry Birds... The impossible app everybody likes for no particular reason. And no matter what you do to pass the time, you're still there. It's like you're not even taking a poo anymore. You're practically on your couch. Until you remember you have no cushion below your butt cheeks, the room temperature is 50 for no reason and a massive boulder finally makes its way completely through the labyrinth of pipes that makes up your body.
2. "My Butt Is Going To Sting After This..."
You sit down for a pleasant, quick poo before whatever you do... Victorian-era lamp forgery. And you have an idea for a really cool lamp, you remember a good joke you heard earlier today, and BOOM!!! Milk, just solid brown milk starts seamlessly flowing from the hairy nether of your bowels' bowels. The messiest thing that has ever graced this earth, or cursed it. And you're sitting there, silently surprised for a moment before you realize. I am experiencing diarrhea. My asshole will burn for six straight hours after this and there is not a god damn thing I can do about it. And then, this can also happen from another perspective. By your mind wandering off into that area where you begin to think about what your most precious, treasured celebrity is doing at that exact moment and you realize that it's perfectly plausible that Mike Nesmith or Bruce Campbell could be going through the most traumatizing thing in their whole life: diarrhea burn. Putting the dire back in Diarrhea.
1. "No More Toilet Paper?!?!?"
Do I even need to explain this one? If somebody thinks that this isn't the worst thing in the history of bathrooms existing, then fuck that person!!! I mean, unless you had like five severed, bleeding, swollen, cheesy, rotten syphilitic goat dicks infested with maggots and for some reason stuffed with a little ziploc baggy filled with battery acid on the verge of dissolving (cuz, I don't know, someone would actually fucking do that!) all juggled and rebounded off your face forty times while sitting on the toilet, which I doubt wholeheartedly, this is the worst thing. You either have to call for somebody literally or on the phone to come help you, or flush the toilet, pull your pants up to where it is unnoticeable but isn't getting your underwear all shit-stained, pass by whoever is in the way and then pull your pants down and continue to shit in another bathroom. And a lot of people don't have more than one bathroom in their house anyway! So this entire thing being a thing can eat simultaneously five severed, bleeding, swollen, cheesy, rotten, syphilitic goat dicks infested with maggots and for some reason stuffed with a little ziploc baggy filled with battery acid on the verge of desolving.